Missing you
by Savasta 101
Summary: Lara Jean stood shakily on numb legs, and laid flowers on the freshly tilled dirt, then turned to walk away. She allowed herself to look back once, and whisper the words that fell shakily from her throat, "I love you." She could almost imagine him saying, "I love you too Covey," as she began the long walk back home.


Peter Kavinsky was always on a whole other planet. The planet where people talked to other people, and their interactions were effortless and funny and everything in between. Sadly there was no connecting space ship, and eventually the sharp edges of her crush softened and lost definition as Lara Jean resigned herself to never talking to Peter; to never existing for him beyond an embarrassing footnote in his middle school career.

It took an ultimatum between Kavinsky and total doom to kiss him - to absently note that his lips were still soft, and his breath hot against her face. He'd been so shocked that she almost convinced herself he hadn't kissed back; falling into a rhythm like they'd done this dance a million times before.

Perhaps he had with Gen - and didn't that thought burn like hell.

Peter Kavinsky was an untouchable, so it took something crazy to bring him crashing down to earth. 'Cancer' Lara Jean rolled the word around in her head, because it was something that applied to old people, not gorgeous teenage boys with lacrosse scholarships.

"Are you okay?" she asked, hand reaching out to grasp his. Peter laughed, but it was a little hollow. "What do you think Covey?" he asked, and any reply died in her throat. Instead, she was simply there next to Peter as they watched old, trashy tv, and munched on popcorn: before and after - it would always become before and after the revelation - mushing together, until Lara Jean could almost forget the unforgettable.

"At least it's patriotic," she told Peter, when he had his hair shaved off after chemo. "like the bald eagle." He snorted at that, because they'd reached a point where he would snap at her if she didn't joke to stop treating him like glass.

His friends were melting away, and even Gwen gave up on gaining him back - moving on with an older college guy. Lara Jean handed him a tissue for the latest nosebleed, because she carried them around on her now.

"She's an idiot," Lara Jena told Peter, and he winced. "I know," he said quietly, looking downcast. "I mean, at least there's the hot nurses at the hospital to move on with: they were all over me."

"I'll have to scare them off," said Lara Jean as seriously as she could. "with my ninja skills."

Peter nodded in agreement. "And all 5'2 of your intimidating frame."

Lara Jean threw a pillow at him.

They were in her bedroom when Peter told her. "I've decided on my make a wish Covey."

"For me to learn how to drive?" she asked curiously, and Peter shook his head sadly. "Nah, I'm not going to waste it on the impossible. Instead, I went for Universal Orlando."

Then, he leaned over and whispered in Lara Jean's ear. "No way," she said, already shaking her head, but Peter just shrugged. "Sick card trumps all," he said, and so Lara Jean found herself in her old Cho Chang costume, Peter next to her in his Spiderman suit.

They got special passes for the rides - and skipped queues of scowling parents and sticky-faced kids - while the attendants fussed over Peter, and Lara Jean could tell he was enjoying it for once. "Jealous, Covey?" he asked, after a well endowed woman running the ride pressed him into a giant hug.

"You wish," she said, with rolled eyes.

Lunch found them sipping butterbeer, and Peter testing out the most overused Harry Potter jokes he could. "Have I slythered in to your heart?" he asked, over sips of butterbeer. Lara Jean just grinned in response.

Peter drove them back - of course - and she kissed him goodbye, and slipped into bed still buzzing.

The next few weeks passed in a blur as Lara Jean tried to spend as much time with Peter as she could. Each time she saw him he seemed more pale and thin, though he'd put on a smile just for her.

The Cancer - or C word, as Kitty called it - didn't seem real though, not until Peter's mum called her, and said between sobs that it was bad, that it was really bad.

Her dad drove Lara Jean there, knuckles white on the wheel, and Kitty in the back seat. It was like mum all over again: complete with the same hospital and that stink of disinfectant. There were even the same magazines in the waiting room, and Lara Jean pointedly avoided looking at them.

Peter's mum enveloped her in a hug, and for a moment they simply stood there, Lara Jean allowing herself to cry for the first time since her world turned upside down.

The tears were fat, and her face was red and splotchy, but she couldn't bring herself to care or wipe them away.

They let her in to see Peter, and she pulled the chair as close as she possibly could without being on top of him.

"Hey Covey," he croaked out, as she wrapped her hand tightly in his. There were so many tubes, and machines beeping around them, but all she saw was him. "You remember the first time I kissed you?" he asked at last.

"Yeah," said Lara Jean, fingers rubbing slow circles on his palm. Peter smiled in response.

"It was always you, Covey." he said quietly. "Not Gwen, or anyone else." she was still crying, and Peter slowly reached up to wipe the tear away. "Someone as beautiful as you shouldn't cry Covey," he told her, voice choking up a little. "And someone as amazing as you shouldn't be stuck in a hospital bed." she bit back.

They sat there for a while, because how can you find the words to express that someone is your everything, and the world's going to crash down.

Eventually, Peter stilled, and his breathing was a little deeper. "I didn't want to get close to anyone." began Lara Jean. "Not after my mum. And I think I would've gone through life all closed up, and scared. And Kavinsky - you taught me to open up, but there will never be anyone like you to let in. You were my great love story, and it was more amazing than anything I could've imagined."

The hand that lay loosely in hers squeezed, just a little, in response and Lara Jean sighed in relief, but the heart monitor wasn't beating steadily, but instead erratically: lower and lower and lower.

At some point, Peter's mum entered the room, and took the other hand, but all Lara Jean saw was him. All she saw was him when the line went dead, and they took the tubes out. All she saw was him when her dad dragged Lara Jean screaming and sobbing away.

"I miss him," she croaked brokenly, as her dad hugged her close to his chest. "I know," he told her, and perhaps he did.

School passed in a blur of insincere apologies, and classes she no longer cared about. Lara Jean only showed up because Peter would kill her if she threw away her future.

She'd pass lockers where they'd kissed, and could almost see Peter, and picture the lopsided grin he reserved just for her. Then she'd break down once the picture disappeared: run to the bathroom, and choke up on her own in stalls scrawled with graffiti.

The funeral was on a sunny morning, when it should've been grey and pouring with rain. Lara Jean wore the black boots he loved, and her favourite scrunchy, but it didn't take the pain in anyway. She gave the expected eulogy, about what an amazing person he was - and it was true, but not the torrent of grief and rage she wanted to scream at the world for being so damned unfair. Not the acknowledgment that Peter was flawed, but he was hers. That he existed, and burned with life brighter than anyone.

Lara Jean stayed until dark fell, and shrugged off her dad's offer to remain with her. She knelt next to his grave like a prayer, though she'd given up on god for a while now.

"I'm applying to college," she said, voice strangely loud in the quiet night. "for pre med, and then oncology." There was no reply, but she could imagine him there, and his awe and happiness, at having a 'smartypants girlfriend'.

"It drives me mad sometimes, that no one diagnosed you until it was too late. That you're not here with me. If you see me mum say hi for me, and tell her that I miss her. That I miss both of you. Goodbye Peter Kravinsky."

Lara Jean stood shakily on numb legs, and laid flowers on the freshly tilled dirt, then turned to walk away. She allowed herself to look back once, and whisper the words that fell shakily from her throat, "I love you."

She could almost imagine him saying, "I love you too Covey," as she began the long walk back home.

AN: to those who won't know, in the books Peter and Lara Jean go as Spiderman and Cho Chang for Halloween, so I thought his make a wish could involve that.

'Back to you' is the sing I imagined for after Peter's death


End file.
